Because of your concern:

1. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve car battery build-up.

2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper because the people who make these products are atheists and refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3. I no longer drink bottled water because it comes from a water retention pond in Brooklyn.

4. As a matter of fact, I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will die from the rat urine.

5. I no longer use Saran Wrap or plastics in the microwave because they cause cancer.

6. I no ! longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

7. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo in a drought.

8. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

9. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

10. I no longer eat French Fries, French Bread, French Toast, French's Mustard or drink delicious French wines because the French didn't support America's pre-emptive war in Iraq.

11. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will receive the phone bill from Hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

12. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

13. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me comatose in a bathtub full of ice.

14. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have the recipe.

15. Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

16. I no longer go to Disney World or Disney Land or watch Disney movies because those bastards provide benefits to domestic partners, directly threatening my day-to-day existence on this Earth.

17. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

18. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL will send me for participating in their special e-mail program.

19. I no longer alert other drivers that their car headlights are not on because I understand this is a gang initiation and I will be run down and murdered.

20. I no longer use public restrooms without first checking under the seat, because I know highly poisonous South African rain forest toilet spiders hide there, waiting to bite my arse.

21. I no longer place my silverware directly on restaurant tables, only on napkins, because I know the tables were wiped with filthy rags that may harbor dangerous bacteria.

22. And I no longer sleep in hotel beds without first discarding the bedspread, since it is only washed by the housekeepers once a month and at least 2 dozen diseased couples had sex on it.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1,200 people in the next 60 seconds, an albatross with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's co-workers ex-drill sergeant's 3rd wife's former college roommate's half-sister's tennis instructor.

You have been warned!