Notes on the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes:

WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be offensive to members of the following groups:

Californians	Oregonians	New Yorkers	New Jersey-ians
Generals	Politicians	Marxists	supply-side economists
Athletes	Students	artists	Professors
Psychiatrists	Psychologists	Doctors	Lawyers
Christians	Jews	Zen Buddhists	gods
Vice Presidents	Managers	[ethinic]s	Russians
Feminists	mice	Homosexuals	Lesbians
Software people	IBM employees	WASPs	Bell-Labs Employees

and no doubt others who are offended to have been left out of this list.

----- The Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes -----

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in hot tubs.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three lightbulbs.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's not funny!!! Variation: Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's "Women" and it's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the lightbulb to change by itself.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three:
One to write the lightbulb removal program, one to write the lightbulb insertion program, and one to act as a lightbulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the lightbulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four.
One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old lightbulb was.
Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of lightbulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

Q: How many professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong [ethinic]s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many [ethinic] gods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one-WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good lightbulb joke of 1984.

Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb
Notes: Ugh!

Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A1: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
A2: Sorry, lightbulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet?

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high- wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). compatibility architecture/study.
3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study.
2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622. One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!

Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a lightbulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new lightbulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

The following jokes or variations are from:
_How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_Does_It_Take_to_Screw_in_a_Light_Bulb?_
by Matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman
c. 1980 (Paperback, illustrated.)

Alternate Answer:

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets. Alternate Answer:

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady?

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seventeen.
One to give the bulb to the screw-inner.
One to screw in the bulb.
One to hold him on the stepladder.
Four to hold the stepladder steady.
One to flick the switch to test the bulb.
One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing.
One to supervise.
Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap.
One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night.
One to drink martinis with the WASPs.

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: At least three.
(Notes: think height!)

Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress?

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
(Notes: this joke might be dated.)

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Amish don't have lightbulbs. They bake pies.

Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") The following appeared in the comic strip "Hello Carol."

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

The following is attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard.
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a lightbulb!
(Notes: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes in violent revolution.)

The following cropped up while I was in anatomy lab doing a dissection. (I'm a 1st year Med student.) We are currently looking for a better answer than the one provided.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
---
best answer that came in was:
A: Only one. Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb ...

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 29. 2 to claim the idea, 4 to draft the bill, 12 to sit on the bipartisan committee, 3 to debate which part of the country the lightbulb should be manufactured in, Jesse Helms and Ted Kennedy to filibuster for days on end, 1 to screw it in, and 5 to prosecute him for acting without authorization.

(Of course, the president vetoes the bill anyway...)

-------------------8[-----------------------]8---------------------------------

Why don't you just let us take out the socket?
You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How many board meetings does it take to get a lightbulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ...

How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?
Five: A black, a Jew, two women and a cripple. (topical to the resignation of Interior Sec. James Watt in 1983)

How many ...

Accountants?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Actors?
One: They don't like to share the spotlight.

Aides to change Ronald Reagan's lightbulb?
None: They like to keep him in the dark.

Alabama alumni?
Three: One to change the bulb and two to talk about how good the old one was.

Alcoholics?
One: He holds the bulb and the world spins around him.

Amish?
Amish don't have lightbulbs, they bake pies.

Anarchists?
All of them.

Apple and IBM nuts?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

A**holes?
None: They never see the light anyway.

Astronomers?
None: they prefer the dark.

Atheists?
None: They're never in the dark. How many lightbulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.

Auto mechanics?
Two: One to try to put in the wrong bulb, and one to replace the socket.
Six: One to force it with a hammer, and five more to go out for more bulbs.

Ayatollahs?
None: there were no lightbulbs in the 13th century.

Babysitters?
None: Pampers aren't made small enough.

Bankers?
Four: one to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combo.

Bass players?
Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

Bell Labs VP's?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fees (available in binary only).
Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
Three: One to get the bulb, and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to do the job.

Beverly hills realtors?
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.

Big black monoliths?
Sorry, lightbulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Bikers?
Two: one to change the bulb, the other to kick the switch.

Blacks?
Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Bluegrass musicians?
Two: one to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

Bratzlaver Chassidims?
None: They will never find one that burns as brightly as the first.

Brewers?
About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Brokers?
100: 99 to climb the staircase, and one to say he wasn't hurt in the crash. MY GOD!! IT BURNED OUT!! SELL ALL MY GE STOCK NOW!!!!!!
Two: one to take the bulb out and drop it and one to try to sell it before it crashes.

Bureaucrats?
None: "We contract out for things like that."
Two: One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Two: One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screw the bulb into the water faucet.
Five: One to change the bulb and four to write an environmental impact report.
An infinite number: One to spot the burned out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the new bulb ...

Bush campaign aides?
(Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) NONE! I think the media's keeping this thing alive! I think the American people are TIRED of lightbulb jokes!

Cabbage Patch Dolls?
The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew the answer.

Californians?
Seven: One to screw in the bulb, six to experience it.
Six: One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

Capitalists?
Two: One to screw in the new bulb, one to market the old one.

Carl Sagans?
Billions and billions.

Chinese Red Guards?
10,000: To give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Chiropractors?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.

Christians?
Three, but they're really only one.

Christian Scientists?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Circus performers?
Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!

Civil servants?
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

"Cliffie Girls"?
It's "Radcliffe women", and it's not funny!

College students?
Two, but they both get 10 credits for doing it.

Computer security experts?
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object lightbulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"]

Conservatives?
None: they liked the old one so much that nothing could compare to it.

Consultants?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Two: One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Cops?
None: It turns itself in.
One, but he's always at the donut shop when you need him.

Country singers?
Three: One to change it, two to sing about the old one.

Dadaists?
To get to the other side?

Daleks?
Daleks don't change lightbulbs, they level the building.
1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders.

DBase People?
Three: One to write the lightbulb removal program, one to write the bulb insertion program, and one to act as the bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Dead Babies?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.

Democratic presidential candidates (1988)?

(Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has mad it unnecessary for people to screw in their own lightbulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Lightbulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.

(Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in lightbulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old lightbulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.

(Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US lightbulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.

(Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.

(Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.

(Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my lightbulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.

(Jesse Jackson) Changing the lightbulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a lightbulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough solver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra lightbulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

Doctors?
Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
One, but he has a nurse tell him which end to screw in.

Dope addicts?
Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

Drummers?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
One, but only after asking "Why?"
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

Drunks?
Five: One to hold the bulb, four to watch the room spin.

Dull people?
One.

Economists?
Two: One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
None: If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Editors?
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Editors of Poor Richard's Almanac?
Many hands make light work.

Efficiency experts?
None: They only replace dark bulbs.
Two: One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old one.

Emergency room technicians?
One, but the bulb will have to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room.

Ergonomicists?
Five: Four to decide which way it ought to turn, and ...

[ethnic] American Princesses?
Two: One to call Daddy, and one to open the Diet Pepsi.

[ethnic] gods?
Two: One to hold the bulb, and one to turn the planet.

[ethnic]s?
None, but one is enough to screw up the joke. Ten: One to hold the bulb, and nine to turn the ladder.

European ballet dancers?
None: they like Danzig in the dark.

Evolutionists?
One, but it takes over eight million years.

Existentialists?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Fatalists?
"What does it matter? We're all going to die anyway."

Federal Employees?
Sorry, that's been cut from the budget.

Feminists?
"That's not funny!"
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it feels.
Two: One to screw it in, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first.
Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
Three: One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
Four: One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.

Field service engineers?
Five: one to hold it, and four to pound it in.

Firemen?
Four: Three to cut a hole in the roof, and one to change it.

Folk Singers?
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

Football players?
The whole team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

Frat men?
Three: One to screw it in, and two to help him down off the keg.
Five: One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

FSE's?
Who can tell? They are always in the dark.
Two: One to hold the bulb, and one to pound it in. How long will it take?

That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if there are two dead bulbs?
They replace the fuse box.

Fundamentalists?
"The Bible doesn't mention lightbulbs."

Gardeners?
One. The new lightbulbs are just as easy to change as the old ones.

Gas fitters?
Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Gay rights activists?
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

Gays?
Two: One to screw it in, the other to say "Fabulous!"

Generals?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1 million to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

Gorillas?
One, but it takes tons of lightbulbs.

Graduate students?
I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
One, but it may take him upward of five years to do it.

Greek gods?
Two: one to hold the bulb, the other to turn the planet.

Grocery store cashiers?
None: They won't even change a dollar.

Gypsies?
None, but you lose a lot of lightbulbs.

Hackers?
"You mean it's dark in here?"

Hardware Engineers?
None: That's a software project.
None: They always work in the dark.
None: They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
None: "We'll code around it."
None: "The diagnostics check, so it must be software."

Harvard students?
One: He holds the bulb, and the universe spins around him.

Helmsley employees?
100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Homophobics?
None: They refuse to do it because they're terrified that the sockets aren't really female.
It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.
Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
None: They prefer that the bulb stay in the closet.

IBM People?
One, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
100: Ten to change the bulb, and ninety to write a document number gc7500439- 0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ____ consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by spaces."

Illinois basketball players?
One, but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Insects?
Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?

Irishmen?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Japanese industrialists?
Three: One to make sure that the new bulb is not foreign made, one to change it, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Jewish American princesses?
Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendent.

Jewish Mothers?
None: "That's all right - I'll just sit in the dark ...."

Jugglers?
One, but it takes at least three bulbs.

Junkies?
"Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

Keyboardists?
"Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."

KGB agents?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check for microphones.

Lawyers?
How many can you afford?

Lead guitarists?
Six: One to change it, five to say "I could've done it better."

Lead singers?
One: He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
None: Get the bass player to do it.

Lesbians?
Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it was than with a man.

Liberals?
None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
One and 28 delegates representing all the social, economic and ethnic communities.

Libertarians?
None: They don't change them because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

Lightbulb joke tellers?
100: One to change the bulb, and 99 to make stupid jokes about it.

Lightbulbs?
One if it knows its own Goedel number.

Loggers?
One, but he needs a chainsaw to do it.

Mac users?
One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
None: You have to replace the motherboard.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.

Magicians?
That depends on what you want to change it into.

Mahayana Buddhists?
Four: One to screw in the lightbulb, one to not screw in the lightbulb, one to not not screw in the lightbulb, and one to not do any of these.

Marginals?
Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.

Martians?
1.5

Marxists?
None: the bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Masseuses?
"Whatever turns you on, baby."

Mathematicians?
None: It's left as an exercise to the reader. One: He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

Medflies?
None: they do it in the fruit.

Members of the USS Enterprise?
Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in engineering has burned out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new lightbulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red- shirt security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Mean- while, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native King who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the lightbulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues with its five-year mission.

Men?
One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.

Mice?
Two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.

Missionaries?
101: One to change the bulb, 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

Musicians?
I don't know, Big Daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list.

Mystery writers?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way, and the other to give it an exciting and surprising twist at the end.

National Security Council members?
"We can't say."
Three in fourteen different countries.

NCAA Div. IA football players?
Just one, but he gets three units for it.

Necrophiliacs?
None: they prefer dead bulbs.
One: "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

New Jersey People?
Three: One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to shoot the witness.

Newsmen?
One, but he'll tell everybody all about it.

New Yorkers?
None o' yo' damn business! Fifty. Fifty? Yeah; it's in the contract.

Nuclear Engineers?
Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Ten: One to change the bulb, nine to lie to the NRC.

Nuclear War Survivors?
None: People who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

Oregonians?
Five: One to change the bulb, and four to chase off the Californians who came up to relate the experience.
Nine: One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Oxbridge students?
One: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

PhD's?
Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

People?
It takes two to screw anywhere, stupid.

Pessimists?
None. The old one is probably screwed in too tightly.

Platonists?
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.

Poets?
Three: One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle ..... ....... and one to change the bulb.

Polacks?
Three: One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the first man.
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
6,807: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house.
One, but you need 6000 Russian guards in case he goes on strike.

Policemen?
None: It turns itself in.

Politicians?
1,000,000,001: One to change the bulb, the rest to rebuild the civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

Pollsters?
None: They work in the dark.

Poor Richard's Almanac editors?
Many hands make light work.

Pre-med Students?
Five: One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder from under him.

Presidential candidates?
Less and less all the time.

Procrastinators?
One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

Professors?
One, but he gets three technical reports out of it.

Programmers?
"That's a hardware problem."

Pro-Lifers?
Six: Two to screw in the new lightbulb, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment that they began screwing.

Psychiatrists?
One, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
None: The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Psychoanalysts?
"How many do you think it takes?"

Punk rockers?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Seven: One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list.

Pygmies?
At least three. (Think height)

Reaganists?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favor for the kerosene importer, one to cash the check for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.

Real Men?
None: Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
None of your damn business!

Real Women?
None: A real woman has plenty of real men around to do the job.

Referral agents?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulb weeks ago.

Republicans?
Four: One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how much brighter the old one was.

Republican Presidential candidates (1988)?

(Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have lightbulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

(DuPont) Lightbulbs need to be changed?
Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce lightbulbs that never need changing.

(Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this lightbulb!

(Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about lightbulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about lightbulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

(Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!

(Bush) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.

Roadies?
One, two, three, testing .....

Roman Catholics?
Two: One to screw it in, one to repent.

Romanians?
60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.

Romulans?
151: One to screw it in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this one to a Romulan unless you are ready for a fight. They consider it a disgrace)

Running-dog lackeys of the Bourgeoisie?
Two: One to exploit the proletariat, one to control the means of production.

Russian Leaders?
Nobody knows. They don't last long enough to change the bulb.

Security guards at a Grateful Dead concert?
21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.

Sexists?
None: Their girls will do it for them.

Sex therapists?
Two: One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way.

Singers?
"Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."

Sound men?
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Straight San Franciscans?
Both of them.

Strong Polacks?
115: One to hold the bulb and the rest to turn the house.

Software Engineers?
None: That's a hardware problem.
None: "We'll document it as a feature."
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably collapse.
Two: One will always leave in the middle of the project.

Sorority Sisters?
51: One to change the bulb, 50 to sing about it being changed.
The entire chapter: One to change it, and the rest to stand around, and clap and sing about it.

Sound men?
One, but instead of using a new bulb (which he doesn't have), he opens up the old bulb, uses a bit of scavenged wire and duct tape to reattach the filament, replaces the screw in connector with an audio jack, strings a cable up through the rafters and reinstalls the whole thing fifty feet away where the band decides it's much better.

Stock brokers?
Two: One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try to sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Strong [ethnic]s?
115: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house.

Supply-siders?
None: The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.

Surrealists?
Fish. Ten. Three to hold the giraffe, and seven to shovel the pacific into the bathtub.

Synth players?
Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
None: I've got a candle that looks just like it.

Teachers?
One if at home, but on school time, four.

Teamsters?
Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?

Technical writers?
None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
One, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Televangelists?
None: They screw in hotel rooms.

Thomas Edisons?
None: He doesn't change them, he makes them.

Thought police?
None: There never was a lightbulb.

Tourists?
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

TV Comedians?
Two: One to screw it in, one to say "Sock it to me." (Note: the line is from "Laugh In" [it's also a bad pun])

UNIX gurus?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

UNIX Hackers?
As many as you want - they're all virtual anyway.

Ukranians?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

US Marines?
50: one to screw it in, 49 to guard him.

Valley Girls?
OOoh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure!

Vulcans?
Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

Waiters?
None: Even a burned out bulb can't get the waiter's attention.

WASP's (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) ?
Two: One to call the electrician, and one to mix martinis. Californian WASP's don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

WASP princesses?
Two: One to get a Tab(tm) and one to call Dad.

Zen Masters?
A tree in a golden forest.
Two: One to change it, and one not to change it.
One to change it and one not to change it is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change it.
None: They carry their own light.

Note: These are my own additions, and are not part of the canonical list. -- steve clancy 5/26/00 (BTW, I'm a librarian)

Q: How many catalogers does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: None. It goes to backlog unless there's LC copy.
A: None. Catalogers don't change lightbulbs. They change Illumination - Devices

Q: How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There are thousands of references on that, can you be more specific?
A: I don't know but I'll look it up for you...

Q: How many online searchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One OR two OR three OR four.

Q: How many library patrons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but they'd rather have it done *for* them.