Sometimes I imagine that wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it
odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age
13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. Age 15
