(A note from steve: To see various reactions to this piece of 'Net humor, I suggest looking here, here, here, here, and here.)

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them:

• When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
• I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
• I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
• Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
• I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
• A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
• Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

  ('Nother note from steve: Most versions I've seen end here. One version continues on with the following...)

• Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?
• I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
• My friend practices the Wiccan religion. Since Exodus 22:18 states that he must be put to death, am I morally obligated to kill him as well?
• My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?
• I read that Amnesty International is in Thailand protesting the selling of underaged girls into slavery and prostitution. Should I write my congressmen and request that we encourage these young girls to obey their masters as it states in Ephesians 6:5?
• I need to do some business on the island of Crete soon but Titus 1:12 states that people from the island of Crete are liars and lazy. Should I be careful when doing business there?
• At the church I attend, some women lead a Bible study. What is the best way to tell them to shut up? We must not have women speaking in church when 1 Timothy 2:12 forbids them to.
• Many of the women in our church wear jewelry. Since women are forbidden to wear jewelry (1 Peter 3:3) what is the best way to tell them they are going to hell?
• I want to obey 2 Thessalonians 1:26 and greet all the women at our church with a kiss. Why do I get strange looks from them when I do - especially from their husbands? What about French kissing?
• Recently, I have asked several women in my church to marry me since it is permissible for a man to have many wives (1 Kings 11:3). Why do I continually get rejected? People at church are beginning to talk.
• I suppose I will not get married since the Bible states that men ought not marry (1 Corinthians 7:1). What do you suggest?
• There are many unbelievers where I work and because we are forbidden to associate with them (1 Corinthians 4:11), I am wondering how best to tell them to keep away from me.
• Should I have the foreskin of my penis cut off? Exodus 12:48 commands that all men must do this. I would have my doctor do it but I think I can save some money by doing it myself. Any ideas on how best to do it?
• In the case of a circumcised baby who has lost his entire penis due to a botched circumcision, who has ended up having transgender sexual surgery performed upon him, who has subsequently been given female hormones and raised as a girl, who has no idea what has happened to him and who grows up with an innate confusion about his true identity, who is never told about what originally happened to him, who is most often quite odd-looking in appearance (essentially like the character "Pat" played by Julia Sweeney of Saturday Night Live television fame; what is described as a "butch" female by some people), who is often ostracized and continually insulted and taunted by society for his appearance; such a person, when he participates in what appears to be heterosexual sex, that must mean that he is really participating in homosexual sex instead, and thus, should he be treated as a homosexual and condemned to hell also, or should we give him just a little leverage in the matter, since, after all, his parents were really trying to live by God's law?
• I know that Jesus' main teaching is that we should love our neighbor as we love God. However, if I have homosexual neighbors, does this mean that I should not love them like Jesus said I should, and that I should condemn them to eternal hell, instead of allowing Jesus to do that when they die, if Jesus really wants to do that?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.